Christmas was always my favourite time of the year – until I found myself facing Christmas as a sole parent in 2016.
Five years on, I can look back from a new perspective where
the grief has healed and the loss no longer stings. We have settled in to our
new normal, and can reminisce about our awesome Christmases as a “whole family”
without an ache.
But I remember that first Christmas and my heart goes out to
those of you who are facing your own first Christmas after a devastating loss.
I remember how it felt, that first Christmas after I was separated.
If you are there right now, I want you to know that it truly won’t always feel
like this (even though it really feels like it always will).
For our family, Christmas had always been a golden day - the
best day of the year with no fights, no growling, just food and fun and warm fuzzies. But with the end of the marriage and my lifelong dream of giving my children “a magical
childhood” dashed to pieces, I couldn’t shake a deep sense of failure and grief
- and Christmas only heightened those emotions. I kept comparing the fullness
of Christmases-gone-by with the empty hollowness I was feeling that first one
on our own.
I didn’t know how on earth I would pull off Christmas for my
kids - my heart was just not in it. Where my heart should have been, there was
just a sick lump of dread, and at times it hurt to breathe.
But I had three kids counting on me to pull Christmas out of a hat in spite of myself, so I started going through the motions, hoping that some Christmas feeling would kick in at some point…
Nothing worked. Not the piney scent of a real tree, not getting together with friends and constructing gingerbread houses, not even watching favourite Christmas movies.
But in the end, I managed to survive that first bleak
Christmas and even – to my great surprise – enjoy it a bit. It wasn’t the
same, but it wasn’t terrible. There were some moments of love and joy that took
me by surprise and helped me get through. A couple of things helped....
1. Kind, thoughtful, generous people
In Christmases past, our family had always made it a
tradition to give to others in need but now I found myself on the receiving end
of Christmas charity to help get us through the season. It was humbling and
overwhelming – but in a surprisingly good way.
Words cannot describe what the thoughtfulness and generosity
of others meant to me that Christmas. The feeling that came with being thought
of, cared for and remembered? Priceless.
How can I convey the lift to my spirits when a lady from a support agency turned
up with a Christmas ham? The rush of gratitude when a church group came by with
gift boxes for each of us? The wave of feeling when a kind friend popped by
with a wrapped gift “for mum – because mum needs something to open on Christmas
too”?
Acts of kindness big and small got me through that first
Christmas. Never underestimate how
powerful your acts of kindness and generosity can be at this time of the year.
It means so much to be remembered.
2. Opening the door to others
In the midst of my struggle that first solo Christmas, one
of my kids asked if a friend could come and share our Christmas.
I said yes, and what do you know? Opening my door to someone who would have
otherwise been on their own for Christmas helped shift my perspective. It took
my focus off my sadness, and I discovered all over again that when you give out
to others so much more comes back to you. Never
underestimate how powerful hospitality is. It really is true that it’s more
blessed to give than to receive.
3. Being honest and asking for help
That first solo Christmas I couldn’t fool my older kids
about how much I was struggling. They saw through my efforts to white-knuckle
it through the season and sensed my lack of enthusiasm. I had no choice but to
come clean and ask them for help to make Christmas special – particularly for
the youngest, who was only 8 years old and thankfully oblivious to the struggle
I was having.
That Christmas Eve I asked for my big kids’ help and they blew
me away with how they stepped up. My daughter set a Christmas Breakfast
table and added more decorations around the house so that when her little
brother woke up in the morning it would seem like the elves had been.
My eldest volunteered to help bring out the wrapped gifts and fill the stockings – a job usually done by both parents. It was incredibly special working with my son to put the prezzies under the tree (something I had dreaded as a lonely task) and he seemed to grow a couple of inches as he filled the role of “man of the house”.
Watching my big kids help make magic happen for their little brother filled my heart and made it sing. Never underestimate what you have built into your children over the years. Children can surprise you with their awesomeness when you need it most.
In Brief: Tips for Christmas Survival after Loss
If you’ve survived loss and grief this year and Christmas feels too hard, it’s easy to want to hibernate and just wait for the silly season to pass by - but that’s hard to do when you have kids counting on you, because very few kids are willing to let Christmas slide. This requires us, the big people, to put on a brave face for the sake of our kids. You can do this. You really can. Here are a few things I learned to do that might help a little:·
Be kind
to yourself - recognise that this is a really hard time of the year and be
kind to yourself as much as you can. It’s understandable that you’re not
feeling the Christmas spirit when you’re walking through the world with a hole
ripped in your chest.
·
Adjust
your expectations – don’t put pressure on yourself to deliver the Best
Christmas Ever. Be realistic - for a couple of years you might need to do Christmas Lite. It might suck a little bit compared to Christmases gone by,
but there will be some beautiful moments that will get you through.
·
Adjust
your kids’ expectations – kids are smart and resilient, they can handle a
bit of honesty. If they are school age (or even very mature kindy-age) make
some hot chocolate, sit down together and have a Christmas powwow. Acknowledge
that Christmas will be different this year and brainstorm together how you can
still make it special.
·
Redesign
your Christmas season – ask your kids what traditions/activities make it
feel like Christmas for them (what can they not do without?) and just do those
things. Drop everything else from the menu.
Ditch activities/traditions that trigger too many comparisons or raw
memories. Some traditions might be just too painful to continue after loss, so
see if you can replace them with alternatives that aren’t triggering. Get your
kids involved in this – kids often have great ideas.
·
Stay
Connected – it can be tempting to hide away and cut yourself off from friends
and family, but what you actually need is good company. Push yourself to
connect with safe friends at this time of the year; let people in.
· Accept help – don’t be too proud to accept help when it is offered. It may be difficult (and humbling) to accept help but remember that “it is more blessed to give than receive” so let those offering help be blessed by allowing them to give to you. The time will come when you’re back on your feet again and you can pay it forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment