Right now my husband is up north somewhere on a boys weekend with Scrag, and church is going on without me, though my kids are there practising for their Christmas play.
We have a new venue today, at the Viaduct Events Centre. It's raining. It's humid indoors and windy out.
I walked into the service and had to walk right back out again, as a feeling of panic overwhelmed me.
Its been so long since I've had a panic at Church, but today, the stuffiness, the echoing new venue, being on my own, the crowd - and the fact I forgot to take my meds - it all conspired against me.
I left, stuffing in my earplugs, holding back the tears.
I'll be back to pick the kids up in forty-five minutes, I told the teachers, before I fled.
As I pointed my car towards the sanctuary of home, Christmas music was playing - a new album I downloaded yesterday from Hillsong Music, thanks to a song shared by Meredy.
Joyful, it is. Uplifting, gentle, beautiful.
Kind of folky and guitar-picky.
So I've been playing it loud {loud for me, anyway}.
O Holy Night came on, my favourite Christmas song ever.
There I am, on the Motorway, singing at the top of my voice, with tears rolling down, and it hit me.
This is what Christmas is about.
Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
This is Christmas. (His law is Love and His Gospel is Peace).
Without a sense of gratitude and wonder for the King who was born in a Stable, the One who came to show us God's love with skin on, its all just nice-but-empty tradition.
Celebrating Him IS the Spirit of Christmas.
Christmas is not just about "Giving" in an abstract sense, it's about the Greatest Gift ever given. The ultimate sacrificial Gift of a Life; the life of Someone who had Everything but gave it all up so He could share it with us.
The "Everything" meant nothing unless He had loved ones to share it with.
Isn't that true?
This sense of Jesus at Christmas has been building up for me.
I'm writing a book, actually. A Christmas book for my Kids. Maybe next year I'll look for a publisher, but this year I'm making a book for them about the story of Christmas, from Heaven's point of view.
Focusing on the Story has set me up for this sense of meaning.
Take the Spiritual aspect away and its still lovely and nice... but for me, somehow lacking.
That's what I've struggled with in Christmases gone by.
But this year, I am going to play "Born is the King" and "O Holy Night" and "Come let us adore him" up loud on my stereo.
I am going to spend time creating the Christmas Book for my children.
I am going to find ways to honour my King by following the Law of Love.
This morning, in spite of a shaky start, I am sitting here grateful to have found the Christmas Spirit at the start of the season.
Here's a gorgeous clip of the Christmas story {put together by my friend's church} to help you find it too.
