(for When I'm Famous)
"Mummy am I famous?" my daughter asks me sometimes.
Sure, honey, I tell her. You're famous on my blog.
I have a sneaking suspicion that deep down most of us would quite like to be a bit famous. Respected for something. Significant somehow. Maybe not to the point where the Paparazzi camp outside our gate and chase us down the street. Perhaps anonymity has its advantages when you're shopping for new undies. Or when you faceplant in front of the School Principal.
But if I ever get famous, I'm sure these are the questions the media will most want to know...
Q: How do you keep yourself looking so fabulous at your age? {Oh wait. that was a question for Sammy over at Cherished. Sorry.} Your question is, Will you consider Botox if things get much worse?
A: Gah. How Rude! Each line on my face tells a story you know. Every scar, every wrinkle, the stories they could tell...
Q: Yes, well we haven't got all day. You say you led a sheltered life prior to marrying your husband and had been on the shelf for a while. How did you ever manage to bag yourself a hot toy boy?
A: Why, by my astounding good looks and great personality of course. That and the attraction of my millions hidden offshore... I'm joking! For goodness sake, it was just meant to be or something. How else does a hot young party boy fall for a goody-goody spinster? Destiny. True Love. Take your pick.
Q:Is it true that the movie 40-Year-old Virgin was based on your life?
A:What?! No way. You've got it all wrong. I was a thirty year old virgin. That's completely different! Where do you people get this stuff?
Q: OK. So then tell us, are the rumours true? Are you in fact pregnant again?
A:What the? Are you kidding me? I am not pregnant, OK?! I just had three really big babies late in life. Trauma like that takes its toll on a woman's body you know.
Q: There is a rumour that you rose to fame as a blogger while your children spent hours watching Sky TV. What do you have to say about that?
A: I deny that completely. We got rid of Sky TV months ago. Now they watch DVDs. Um, I mean, now I blog while they are asleep. Or at school and kindy... I'm trying, I really am.
Q: Is it true that you had to have an intervention for your blog addiction? That you once spent several days without the internet and had to go cold turkey?
A: I deny everything. I admit nothing. I have no blog addiction.
Q: Is it true that you sometimes craft dust bunnies from the dust balls that form in your hallway while you are neglecting the housework, blogging?
A: No! That is an ugly rumour spread by people who are jealous of my runaway success. I was joking when I said that, truly I was.
Q: So then what is the relationship between you and your cleaner?
A: I love her, I couldn't live without her... I would have to spend valuable blogging time scrubbing the loo....
Q: Aha! So you admit to having a cleaner?
A: I... what? Did you just trap me? OK, yes! I admit it, once a week a poor cash-strapped student comes and cleans my bathroom and vacuums up the dust bunnies. There. I said it. I have a cleaner. Are you happy now?
Q: So there are no actual fluffy bunnies handcrafted from your dust balls? No dust-bunny creations for sale on Etsy or Felt?
A: No. No dust bunnies. Just a cleaner.
Q: So what do you actually do all day? If you don't do housework? I mean, you obviously don't exercise or take much time for a skin-care regime... so how do you fill those long empty days???
A: Um... I write, I fiddle with my blog design, I play around with effects in Photoscape, I read other people's blogs, I leave comments, I work on my FREE party invitation website, I pin things on Pinterest ...
Q: You spend all that time on the computer? Is that your final answer?
A: No wait! I can think of other stuff... Um...
Q: Oh-kayyy. Well you lead a truly fascinating life. Ahem. Is that the time? Gotta run, I need to interview someone famous AND interesting. Widge has a puppy AND a day job...
A: Hey! I'm interesting! Come back! I can tell you about the time I sliced head open on a falling cake plate... or the time I tripped over and swore in front of my kids' school principal... hello? Anyone there? Man I really gotta get some better work stories.
Yeah, I think maybe I'm better off not being famous. That media scrutiny can be a bugger.
