Letting Out the Leash

My kids are growing up in a world that is very different from the one I lived in, even just a few short decades ago.

Remember being sent up to the dairy to get your mum a loaf of bread?
Remember walking to school on your own?
Remember riding your bike up and down the street, exploring the empty lot down the road with the neighbours, building secret huts in the park... while mum was nowhere to be seen?
Would many of us let our kids do this these days?

Our kids are growing up in the era of cushioned playgrounds; trampolines with nets and pads, mummy-taxis to school and back... and endless scheduled activities.

Yesterday I watched a fascinating documentary called "The Lost Adventures of Childhood".
Fascinating because of some of the things child psychologists are now discovering, as a result of all our protectiveness and busyness.

Kids are more stressed out that they have ever been: 42% of kids in the U.S. are continually in a state of stress because they are forever rushing from one scheduled activity to another. That's scary.
Psychologists are now saying that kids need free time. Unscheduled unstructured playtime in order for their brains to develop fully. In order to switch on their creativity and imaginations.
And they need to be allowed to take risks.

Our kids are growing up scared of taking risks because we are protecting them and watching over them at every turn.

"Don't climb that, you might fall..."
"Don't jump off that you might hurt yourself..."

One woman said, "The problem is that our kids are going to have to go out into the world at some point. What do we think, that we just take the leash off all of a sudden and our kids will suddenly know how to cope in the great big world? No, we have to let the leash out a little bit at a time. Our job as parents is to prepare independent individuals. We have to let our kids test themselves and learn to make good choices by allowing an amount of risk, so they can learn from it."


Another woman said, "What we really need is a bit more benign neglect!"

Benign neglect. An odd phrase but I like it.
She means we need to let our kids have a bit more space. Watch over them less. Let them make mistakes, have falls, even break a limb or two. That's how they will learn for themselves to assess risks and make good choices. Learn to be responsible. And... more independent.

This all really struck a chord with me, because I've been wondering for a while if we're too over-protective these days. At seven I was catching the bus to school across three suburbs with my five year old sister, who I was responsible for. Just thinking about allowing my kids to do that sends a shiver down my spine.

There was a lady on the documentary, Lenore Skenazy, who had allowed her nine-year-old to ride the New York subway alone, as a test of his independence. She wrote about it in her column, and got a heap of flak for it. It's a scary thing to do - but I admire her for it.
Was she irresponsible... or is this something we actually need to do more of?


{Lenore's article here}


In small ways, I am trying to let the leash out for my kids.
Telling myself that the incidence of child kidnapping has actually not increased from when we were kids. Only the awareness and publicity. Did you know that? Its true.

We let Dash ride his bike 200 metres to the park at the end of our street.
We give him a time limit and tell him to be back by then. If he returns when we told him, he can go back for longer.
He is proving himself responsible and trustworthy.
It gives him a sense of freedom. Its a calculated risk - there are no major roads for him to cross. Its a pleasant quiet street with lots of families. No major drug-deals taking place under the swing-set in our neighbourhood.
He knows that if there are lots of bigger kids swearing and being silly, he has to come home.

Now that he has proved himself I let the leash out a little more.
He can bike around to his friend's house, four blocks away.
He phones me when he gets there.
He knows his road safety. We've all gone biking as a family.

We're letting the leash out.
He's eight and a half. We started letting it out slowly when he was seven.

Miss Fab though, she's a different story. She's nearly seven, but will the rules be different for a girl?
Currently she's allowed to go to the park with her big brother.
And it may stay that way for some time.
I doubt I would let her go completely alone; she'll probably always have to go with a freind, at least.


Benign neglect. The chance to come home from school most days, drop your bag on the floor and head across to the neighbours to play Lego.
The chance to have a friend over after school to play "teachers" or "beauty queens".
To jump on the unpadded, un-netted trampoline.
To walk home from school all the way, together, alone, with friends.
 
Watching that doco reassured me that my sometimes-lackadaisical parenting style is probably the right approach. My aversion to endless after-school activities, my lack of structure, even our old-fashioned trampoline with all its un-PC potential for stitches... apparently, all good for my kids!
 
We're letting the leash out bit by bit. Hands-off parenting, benign neglect, less is more.
And it seems we're on the right track. Phew.
♥
 
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What's your take on all this? Thoughts anyone?
     

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