Random Thoughts About Stuff

There's stuff kind of bubbling inside me, niggling and nagging at me. Just fragments of thoughts, nothing earth-shattering, or world-stopping, but maybe worth catching hold of and writing down...

Random Thought #1

My body is amazing. I don't mean amazing-looking (I ain't no super-model, but I won't go there). I mean my body is so CLEVER! It has been through so much, and look what it has managed to do???

My clever body has created from scratch three amazing human beings. They grew inside me and emerged from my body into the wide wide world. I have the scars to prove it. I shouldn't feel like I have to apologise for my jelly belly, my stretch-marks, my dodgey pelvis, my saggy boobs.

I heard an inspirational woman say once, "Those are my battle scars! I wear them proudly..." And so should I.

Random Thought #2

I shouldn't need external props to connect with God. I have been finding it tough at church lately because I am super-sensitive to noise and crowds. Our church is very rocky and the volume is super LOUD.

It has been about three months since I have been able to go into a service during the music; I have had to hide out in the parents' room or up at Starbucks until the worship is finished.

I started having panic attacks because of the volume, around the time I started having dizzy spells. So I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself, being unable to connect with God in the worship at church (which is amazing and has always been a big part of my life).

But a thought I had the other day was: I shouldn't have to rely on being in the worship at church to connect with God. I should be able to find other ways and means to connect with Him. Hmmmm... if only I wasn't so lazy!!

Random Thought #3

What message does my life send? Here's a deep one. I heard a preacher say this the other week - what message do people get from me? Am I mostly positive? Encouraging? Kind? Do they see any glimmer of God through me?

Or am I too wrapped up in myself? Negative? Complaining? Self-pitying? Does God show up in my life at all?

Wow, I don't know the answer to that one. It's so hard to take a step back and see yourself honestly as others do. I would hope it's the positive stuff... but oh my, when I am wrapped up in myself I certainly do make for a very small package. (This photo of me was taken by my daughter)

Random Thought #4

Remember the Dream. A dream I had when I was pregnant with Dash came back to my mind recently. It was a scary, sobering, awful dream, but one that I knew had a deeper meaning.

In the dream I was in a big warehouse that was on fire. I had my baby boy with me, but was trying to help other people escape from the building. I gave my baby boy (an olive-skinned, dark-haired baby) to someone else to carry out while I stayed to help others. When everyone was rescued and I was standing outside the building I found the person I had asked to carry my baby... only to realise to my horror that they had left him inside the burning building...

Horrible. But I knew what the dream was warning me about. Helping others at the expense of my own family. Something I had a nasty tendency to do in my younger years (although then I was single, so it was only myself I was neglecting).

The dream came back to me as I was looking at Scrag the other day and realised that he looked uncannily like the baby in the dream, whereas Dash was fair and had gingery hair as a baby. Scary.

In other words, I was reminded that I can still have the tendency to get wrapped up in other things at the expense of my kids. (Here I sit, blogging!) And not just my kids, but also myself, my husband, my marriage... Hmmmm... a timely reminder?

Those are some of my random thoughts lately.